And then my brother’s best friend walked in

I got a text from my good friend and future publicist, Shannon, telling me she was at work, just looked down and noticed she had put her shirt on backwards.

After I stopped laughing (sorry, Shannon, but that was frikkin’ awesome) I started thinking about some of the embarrassing stuff I’ve said and done in my life.

For the most part this stuff doesn’t faze me anymore.  Maybe you just get to a certain point in your life when being perfect doesn’t matter so much.  Or maybe my depression meds have numbed my ability to feel shame and humiliation.

However there are still a few things that make me cringe in retrospect.

I’ll start in first grade.  In my defense, it was a brand new school for me and I hadn’t yet learned to read.  (Oh, by the way, I wasn’t slow or anything.  They just didn’t push us to read at birth back then.)  I asked to use the restroom, proudly took the hall pass and found my way down the hall.  I sort of wondered about all the extra sinks on the wall when I first walked in but I was on a mission.  I did what I needed to do, walked out to wash my hands and that’s when my brother’s best friend walked in.  And said, “HI SUSAN!”  Um, yeah.  I was in the boys’ room.  And there was no chance my older brothers weren’t going to hear about it.

It goes without saying that junior high and high school were filled with embarrassing moments.  The only one that really stands out in my mind is the time  I split my pants when I was part of a human domino chain.  But compared to the daily humiliation of having a girl-mullet during my freshman and sophomore years, that was nothin’.

My job requires me to go on ride-alongs with police officers.  I was sent out of town to do this and began my experience by running the departmental vehicle I was assigned into the fence at the substation.  Yeah…pretty bad.  But I was determined to make the best of it and have fun anyway.

I was assigned to ride with one particular officer who didn’t have much of a sense of humor.  We had lunch with the rest of his squad and headed back out to the patrol car to resume the ride-along.

He thoughtfully proffered a hand wipe to me, asking, “Wetnap?”

I jokingly answered, “I love it when a man says that to me.”

Nothing…not a smile, a chuckle or a smirk.  Just crickets.  Chirp, chirp.


I honestly don’t remember much more about that day because I spent the entire rest of the afternoon wondering if I was going to be the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Shortly after this I went on the depression meds and now I could pretty much walk through the grocery store naked, farting and tripping every five feet without even a hint of a blush.

Wish I’d known about this stuff as a first grader!


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