A minute or less

Tonight was date night with Dan.  A great dinner and a show.  It was a perfect evening except for one small thing…the bathrooms at the theater.

As a woman I have come to accept certain limitations.  I will never pee my name in the snow or become sexier and more distinguished as I age.  But why as women do we have to wait in line to use the bathroom whenever we go to a concert or sporting event?

I place blame in two places.  First, the designers of these venues who rarely ever put enough stalls in the restrooms.  Tonight’s venue had two…count ’em!…two stalls in the restroom on the level where we were seated.  Even allowing for the fact that there was probably a twin of that bathroom on the other side of the theater, did that designer really think that 4 toilets would be adequate for what I calculate were at least 450 women just on that level????  And I am probably estimating on the low side.

And the other place I put the blame?  On all of us women.  Why, oh why, does it take us so damn long to pee?  Especially when we know there are dozens of other poor females standing just a few feet away doing the pee-pee dance?  What are we doing in those stalls?  Did we all bring an issue of Cosmo to peruse?  Or do we have instant amnesia the moment we latch the door and forget about what we endured waiting our turn?

Personally, I think we should all be like men and be able to relieve ourselves in a minute or less.  Yes, even with having to pull our pants down and up and sitting and wiping and all that.  If you have more urine in your body than it takes to tinkle out in about 20 seconds then you waited too long to go!  I recently read that the average person eliminates about an ounce of urine per second.  If you are going for 45 seconds, why the hell did you sit in your seat with a Big Gulp in your bladder for an hour and a half???

Tinkle, wipe, flush, get out.  Period.  Forget the freaking seat liner.  Do you really think a piece of tissue will protect you from herpes or cooties or whatever you think is on that seat?  I’ll give you an extra 30 seconds if you must change a tampon but that’s the limit.  If you are menstruating and it takes you 5 minutes to change your tampon,  you should really consider staying home so you don’t tie up the line.  Seriously.

Gotta poop?  I think everyone who is waiting would thank you to please go during the show so we don’t have to smell your crap in addition to concentrating on not wetting our pants.

Oh and for christ’s sake, come prepared.  You know that toilet paper runs out in these places.  Carry a tissue or some wipes or something so that we all don’t have to wait for you to air dry.

Do your hair and lipstick at the sink, if you must.  NOT IN THE STALL!  And on second thought, don’t tie up the sinks forever either.  We’d all like to wash our hands and get out of the way.  You can save the makeover for later.  Your date saw you go into the restroom with flat hair and naked lips.  He is not expecting you to come out looking like Megan Fox.  No amount of primping is going to fix that.

So say it with me, ladies.  Tinkle, wipe, flush, get out.  A minute or less.  We’re women, we can do anything we set our minds to!  (Except maybe that spelling our names in the snow thing…dammit.)


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