Next Stop: Rice Wrangler


Big congrats to my friend, Shannon, on her engagement. Much love to her and her man.

Their engagement unfortunately brought up an unpleasant phenomena–what to do when people aren’t as happy about your pending nuptials as they should be. For whatever reason. Jealousy. Fear. Fucktardness. Whatever.

And what to do with these people who rain on your parade? Because they are usually your closest friends or family. Casual acquaintances and work buddies seem to get with the program better. Wish you well, congratulate you, admire your ring and give you hugs and cards. But sometimes those closest to you can’t help but let their concern for you carry them away.

So you still have to have them be part of your big day because, well, they are your closest friends and family. But their shitty attitudes deserve some kind of retribution. Thus the list of crapass jobs associated with your wedding.

They don’t deserve bridesmaid or groomsmen any more. So there are always the dreaded roles of candle-lighter, guest book attendant and poem or Bible verse reader.

Somehow those are still too pleasant for someone who pissed in your corn flakes.

So how about…Pet Attendant.  Many people these days chose to involve their pets in their ceremony.  Making Aunt Buffy (who told it you it’s about time you get married) walk your dog down the aisle AND have to be responsible for picking up its poop–perfect!

Then there is your best friend who could only summon the bare minimum of enthusiasm.  Because you got the ring first.  For her, I suggest Sign Spinner.  You need someone to help guide your guests to your wedding venue.  Putting your BFF in an ugly bridesmaid dress and having her stand on the street corner spinning a giant arrow?  Priceless!

For your brother who felt it necessary to point out all the flaws they see in your intended?  May I recommend Tissue Issuer?  When someone starts shedding tears of joy during your ceremony, there is your bro in full tuxedo offering a tissue.  From a lace and flower covered box.  Oh…and he is also responsible for snotty tissue disposal too.

There are many, many jobs I can suggest (such as Bridal Urination Dress Lifter and Hungover Groomsman Vomit Cleaner) but I sincerely hope that many crap jobs aren’t necessary.  If you have that many people objecting to your marriage…you should elope!

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