A lot has happened since I was last here. A LOT.
Right now I’m too angry and frustrated to deal with filling in the blanks. I’m sitting in our den, barricaded in with three of our four dogs because I had the nerve to ask my husband if he did the ONE task today I asked him to do. No, I’m not in fear of him at all. It’s more that I’m in fear of me and what I would say so I left our argument in the bedroom and came into the den to find some way to deal with this frustration without crying, yelling or making myself sick.
I have five days to go until I see a licensed therapist to help me with what I, my husband and my internist are guessing is an anxiety disorder on top of my depression and autoimmune disease. Five days that feel like five minutes at times because I’m not sure I’m ready to explore what is really behind all this. I know that it is time though because I just went through the perfect storm of depression, illness, stress and anxiety and came out of it shaken and scared and not sure where to turn.
During this time I have been able to turn to my husband and he is a great help. A wonderful partner. A constant source of humor and love. And yet. And yet.
And yet this really isn’t about him. It’s about me. For once, I’m letting it be about me to the point that I have shut out the world without caring because it scared me. My reaction to it scared me.
Just like I’m shutting my husband out at this moment. Not to punish him, though he most likely feels like that’s what I’m doing. And shutting my dogs in with me because I am what they know the best and feel safest with, even though they do want to be out in the rest of the house and are waiting patiently by the door until I release them.
I’m going to go open the door now and let them out. And go with them so I can see my husband’s face and know that he still loves me, even with all the crazy. It makes me believe if I can do that then maybe I can face the world as well and be safe.