I got what I asked for. I got to stay home with my dogs, all day, every day.
I didn’t know what I was asking for when I made that wish, other than to be in my cocoon, safe, protected, loved. I didn’t know what it would cost me or that I’d be forced to give up almost everything I thought made me ME.
I didn’t know that I would have to be broken down, physically and mentally, to a point where the fear that ruled me was finally overtaken by the strength I should have known I possess. That everyone should know they possess without coming to their darkest hours to find it.
I didn’t know that I had allowed that fear to rule me for so long, since such a young age, that it was able to masquerade as strength. It hid behind bravado and arrogance and vanity, pushing those masks forward and making me live behind those and so many others. Self-indulgence. Superiority. Inferiority. Anger. Righteous indignation.
I didn’t know that when things were at what I thought could only be their lowest, they descended even further. The fear was pulling me down. In those last, desperate moments when I thought I was drowning, true strength revealed itself.
True strength made me reach out for my loved ones. It made me grasp with weakened arms and cling to love and friendship and life. Most importantly life.
True strength let me know that fear doesn’t have power, it has only deception. Once you turn and face that fear, it takes its masks and starts to slink off into the darkness.
True strength told me it was okay to ask for help. That more people than I ever thought possible would come forward to help.
True strength told me it was okay to love and be loved in return. Love doesn’t hurt you; those who use it for their own gain are the ones who do the hurting.
True strength told me it was okay to be sick because I can also be healed. Body and Mind.
True strength has been inside me the whole time. It just took me breaking out of my cocoon of fear to begin to float on its butterfly wings.
Right now I am dancing on those wings, swirling and dipping and lighting on my dogs’ noses, then flying away to bask in the sun of love.