Next Stop: Rice Wrangler


Big congrats to my friend, Shannon, on her engagement. Much love to her and her man.

Their engagement unfortunately brought up an unpleasant phenomena–what to do when people aren’t as happy about your pending nuptials as they should be. For whatever reason. Jealousy. Fear. Fucktardness. Whatever.

And what to do with these people who rain on your parade? Because they are usually your closest friends or family. Casual acquaintances and work buddies seem to get with the program better. Wish you well, congratulate you, admire your ring and give you hugs and cards. But sometimes those closest to you can’t help but let their concern for you carry them away.

So you still have to have them be part of your big day because, well, they are your closest friends and family. But their shitty attitudes deserve some kind of retribution. Thus the list of crapass jobs associated with your wedding.

They don’t deserve bridesmaid or groomsmen any more. So there are always the dreaded roles of candle-lighter, guest book attendant and poem or Bible verse reader.

Somehow those are still too pleasant for someone who pissed in your corn flakes.

So how about…Pet Attendant.  Many people these days chose to involve their pets in their ceremony.  Making Aunt Buffy (who told it you it’s about time you get married) walk your dog down the aisle AND have to be responsible for picking up its poop–perfect!

Then there is your best friend who could only summon the bare minimum of enthusiasm.  Because you got the ring first.  For her, I suggest Sign Spinner.  You need someone to help guide your guests to your wedding venue.  Putting your BFF in an ugly bridesmaid dress and having her stand on the street corner spinning a giant arrow?  Priceless!

For your brother who felt it necessary to point out all the flaws they see in your intended?  May I recommend Tissue Issuer?  When someone starts shedding tears of joy during your ceremony, there is your bro in full tuxedo offering a tissue.  From a lace and flower covered box.  Oh…and he is also responsible for snotty tissue disposal too.

There are many, many jobs I can suggest (such as Bridal Urination Dress Lifter and Hungover Groomsman Vomit Cleaner) but I sincerely hope that many crap jobs aren’t necessary.  If you have that many people objecting to your marriage…you should elope!

Advertisements

Don’t Hold the Mayo


I spent the morning on the phone with the Mayo Clinic. Haven’t even set foot in their building yet but already I am impressed with their professionalism.

Backtracking a little, my medical situation has changed a bit since I last did any sort of in-depth post about it. I moved from my first gastroenterologist to a new one, who I thought had all the answers. Well, he didn’t. When I thought he’d given me a diagnosis of Crohn’s disease, he said he had actually told me I had a non-specific (read mysterious) colitis that was leaning towards Crohn’s. In other words, I have all the symptoms of Crohn’s disease except for the one he needed to see to know for sure.

What I do have is a form of colitis that is rare. And he admitted that he doesn’t see many cases like mine so he referred me to the Mayo Clinic. They obviously have a larger patient base and have more experience with my illness.

So I go see the new doctor soon and have spent quality time on the phone with various departments within the clinic making sure they have every bit of information they need.

Anyone who has sat in a doctor’s waiting room filling out countless forms should be able to appreciate being able to bypass that and do all the work from home via phone or computer. I know I am. I practically fill out these forms as a job these days.

Does anyone else remember how “they” told us years ago that we would soon have one handy card that holds all of our medical information so that it could be easily accessed by any doctor or hospital? I keep wishing for that.

In the meantime, I will take one well-organized medical clinic. And keeping my fingers crossed that they can find some new answers for me.

What a Wonderful World!


The title of this post is supposed to be ironic. Because lately my world has pretty much shrunk to the size of my bed. Literally. I spend a whole bunch of time in bed because of pain or overwhelming fatigue.

Luckily I have the windows of both TV and my laptop internet connection that expands my world a bit but otherwise this is pretty much it. Oh, I can’t forget the bathroom because that plays a major role too.

Luckily, I have my sweet girl, Ellie, keeping me company today. She’s ninety pounds of furry love and she makes me feel better. And then there are the days when my wonderful husband joins me in what I call “bed picnics”. He transports an entire meal upstairs to our bed so we can enjoy it together. He even tolerates the way the dogs manage to corner him on his side of the bed, leaving him about one square foot to try to eat his meal. And I can’t help laughing at this, even though Dan doesn’t think it’s particularly funny.

I almost forgot about my phone, which does help me connect with the outside world too. Though I wish it would go away at times. Bill collectors are NOT my idea of interesting conversationalists and avoiding their annoying calls isn’t my idea of fun.

This tiny world does make me so much more appreciative when I feel well enough to expand my horizons and venture outside. Blue sky! Trees! Traffic! Oh wait, I hate traffic. But that’s okay, because it’s been a couple of weeks since I yelled at another driver. I’ve saved up and have a whole bevy of names to call them. Dumbass! Moron! Dickhead! Asshat!

Confinement does not make me any sweeter, apparently.

Ah yes, what a wonderful world!

We Do, Again.


Our wedding reception was last night and Dan and I had a fabulous time.  We kept it fun and informal, read vows we’d written to each other (okay, Dan wrote his and in my usual proscrastinating manner I put doing mine off for so long I had to wing it), ate great food, drank yummy sangria and visited with friends and family.

I also had one of the best days health-wise I’ve had in a long time.  Though I was tired and a little stressed, I had almost zero symptoms all day.  Someone up there was definitely looking out for me.

The thing about a party celebrating a new marriage is the amount of love in the room.  There is the love I share with Dan and seeing him so handsome in his suit made me proud to be his wife.  There is my family, particularly my mom, to remind me of who loved me first in my life and continue to love me and help me to no end.  There are my friends, who make me laugh when I am down in the depths of my disease and care for me like only “chosen family” can do.  My heart wants to burst when I think about all of these people taking time out of their busy lives to be there for us.

My wish for everyone is to know love like this each and every day of your lives.

Still Here…for Better or Worse!


And also for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health!

Yes, Dan and I took the plunge.  We got married on October 9th in Vegas.  It was what we thought it would be.  Short, sweet, just us and some family at the Marriage Commissioner’s office.

We did a whirlwind trip, two nights in Vegas at two different hotels (the first night at a cheap place on Fremont Street to save some cash) and got married the morning before we drove home.

When asked how married life is, I tell the truth.  It’s the same as when we were just living together.  Except my name has changed and Dan is now on my insurance.  Which means that married life is good.  I love him, he loves me, we enjoy each other’s company, we are best friends.

My health has gotten no better, though at least there is a name for it.  Crohn’s Disease.  Which is what I had initially suspected all along and should have had as a diagnosis all the way back in October but my first inept gastroenterologist failed to tell  me.  Once my new and brilliant doctor got the results of all my tests that the first doctor had done, he knew what it was right away.  And even managed to let me know, four months after the first guy should have done so.

It’s a depressing and heartbreaking diagnosis for me because there is no cure.  The best I can hope for is that the new doctor figures out the right combination of therapies to get it into remission.  My nephew asked me today if I was going to die from it.  Hopefully not, though I am guessing my eventual demise will be from some complication of the disease.

Right now I am sitting at home, not able to work, not making any money.  I am in pain almost constantly.  It’s not a fun life and it certainly isn’t the way the I had hoped my marriage to Dan would start.  However, it leaves me with absolutely no doubt that he will stand by me through the worst.

As a way of celebrating that and the good things in our life together, we are going ahead with a plan we started after the wedding to have a reception.  It’s less than two weeks away now and it is the thing that keeps me going.  From my sickbed, I’ve been able to do most of the planning and purchasing.  Dan goes with me and drives when we actually have to go to see the vendors because I’m usually on narcotics.  But we’ve still made it fun.  As I’m hoping the reception will be, for us and our guests.

I know I will have fun because my plan is to dope up (on my legally obtained painkillers) so I can be there the whole time.  Crohn’s pain can often take me out of circulation easily so I figure if my guests can stand me being high and silly, it’ll be pleasurable for all.

At the very least, they will have really good food and the best wedding cake ever!

Where Have I Been?


Good question.  Sick, wallowing, postponing and then re-scheduling the wedding.  Missing so much work that I have NO time off left.

Quick summary.  Because I am still battling whatever mystery illness this is I have, Dan and I decided to postpone our wedding until I am feeling better.  But since we’re still going to be in Vegas for Barry Manilow (non-refundable tickets), we decided to elope.  So still getting married, 3 days later than planned and only with my mom and her husband there.

So a lot of the stress is off, hopefully Vegas will be fun and carefree and sorta romantic.  And full of Barry Manilow melodies.

Up after the wedding?  Swallowing a camera in the shape of a pill and having my intestines photographed.  Yay!!!

Excitement Abounds!


Dan and I have exactly 60 days until the wedding! My birthday is in exactly 6 days. I lost 6 pounds! (Okay, I made up that last one but please, let me dream.)

After a very long drought where I have been depressed and hurting and trying to figurely out what’s wrong with me physically, I am finally in a mental place where I want to communicate with the world.

Of course I type this sitting on my couch in my pajamas at 6:00 p.m. and no, I’m not making an early night of it. I haven’t been outside of the house and I ignored the doorbell when it rang because, c’mon, I don’t want someone knowing I’m still in my pj’s at this hour. Even the Fed Ex guy.

The point is…I’m back, I have great things coming up in my life and I actually want to tell people about them.

Life is good.