A lot has happened since I was last here. A LOT.
Right now I’m too angry and frustrated to deal with filling in the blanks. I’m sitting in our den, barricaded in with three of our four dogs because I had the nerve to ask my husband if he did the ONE task today I asked him to do. No, I’m not in fear of him at all. It’s more that I’m in fear of me and what I would say so I left our argument in the bedroom and came into the den to find some way to deal with this frustration without crying, yelling or making myself sick.
I have five days to go until I see a licensed therapist to help me with what I, my husband and my internist are guessing is an anxiety disorder on top of my depression and autoimmune disease. Five days that feel like five minutes at times because I’m not sure I’m ready to explore what is really behind all this. I know that it is time though because I just went through the perfect storm of depression, illness, stress and anxiety and came out of it shaken and scared and not sure where to turn.
During this time I have been able to turn to my husband and he is a great help. A wonderful partner. A constant source of humor and love. And yet. And yet.
And yet this really isn’t about him. It’s about me. For once, I’m letting it be about me to the point that I have shut out the world without caring because it scared me. My reaction to it scared me.
Just like I’m shutting my husband out at this moment. Not to punish him, though he most likely feels like that’s what I’m doing. And shutting my dogs in with me because I am what they know the best and feel safest with, even though they do want to be out in the rest of the house and are waiting patiently by the door until I release them.
I’m going to go open the door now and let them out. And go with them so I can see my husband’s face and know that he still loves me, even with all the crazy. It makes me believe if I can do that then maybe I can face the world as well and be safe.
I’m on painkillers tonight so dissecting my past loves will have to wait.
In the meantime, I’m enjoying the very random thoughts that float through my head.
Like…I really miss Richard Dawson on the Family Feud. All that kissing!
Jennifer Grey should really be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Where have she and her new nose been?
French fries and Frosties really taste good together.
Why do I have to rinse out my recyclables? Doesn’t that waste water and isn’t that anti-green?
What color does my mood ring turn when I have PMS?
What would my dogs do if I begged while they’re eating their kibble?
Out of thoughts for now, hopefully tomorrow I’ll be off the painkillers long enough to blog better.
Before I continue with the epic of my love life, I have to admit something.
I tend to have a love/hate relationship with new gadgets and/or fads. If I embrace them, I do so completely. But I hate the feeling that people need to have the latest and greatest. And once you buy into whatever the hot thing du jour is, you are stuck. You have to improve it whenever the newest generation comes along.
I fought against and triumphed: bluetooth, Blu-ray, Jersey Shore, Grey’s Anatomy and clothing for dogs (other than hats–Ellie loves hats)
I fought against and lost to: digital cameras, Ipods, flat screen TVs, mobile internet on my cell phone, a DVR and the latest, Twitter.
Twitter was something I didn’t understand and for the most part, still don’t. I only signed up two days ago, under the enormous pressure to be in the know when it comes to some of my favorite people. Okay, celebrities and/or authors. Who do qualify as people too.
But I am definitely never, EVER watching Jersey Shore. Snooki who?
A short post, just reaffirming that I will make my 30 in 30 deadline.
Busy with life on my days off but today Dan and I found time to take Lucky and Ellie for a walk in a new place.
I’ve driven by this riparian preserve on my way to the library, which is literally next door. And never had any idea that there were acres of trees and ponds and winding trails.
It was a lovely surprise, a sunset walk with my guy and my fur babies.
I love it when life hands you special moments like that, when you least expect them. Makes all the hustle and bustle we put up with worth it.
Go find your surprising serenity too.