Next Stop: Rice Wrangler


Big congrats to my friend, Shannon, on her engagement. Much love to her and her man.

Their engagement unfortunately brought up an unpleasant phenomena–what to do when people aren’t as happy about your pending nuptials as they should be. For whatever reason. Jealousy. Fear. Fucktardness. Whatever.

And what to do with these people who rain on your parade? Because they are usually your closest friends or family. Casual acquaintances and work buddies seem to get with the program better. Wish you well, congratulate you, admire your ring and give you hugs and cards. But sometimes those closest to you can’t help but let their concern for you carry them away.

So you still have to have them be part of your big day because, well, they are your closest friends and family. But their shitty attitudes deserve some kind of retribution. Thus the list of crapass jobs associated with your wedding.

They don’t deserve bridesmaid or groomsmen any more. So there are always the dreaded roles of candle-lighter, guest book attendant and poem or Bible verse reader.

Somehow those are still too pleasant for someone who pissed in your corn flakes.

So how about…Pet Attendant.  Many people these days chose to involve their pets in their ceremony.  Making Aunt Buffy (who told it you it’s about time you get married) walk your dog down the aisle AND have to be responsible for picking up its poop–perfect!

Then there is your best friend who could only summon the bare minimum of enthusiasm.  Because you got the ring first.  For her, I suggest Sign Spinner.  You need someone to help guide your guests to your wedding venue.  Putting your BFF in an ugly bridesmaid dress and having her stand on the street corner spinning a giant arrow?  Priceless!

For your brother who felt it necessary to point out all the flaws they see in your intended?  May I recommend Tissue Issuer?  When someone starts shedding tears of joy during your ceremony, there is your bro in full tuxedo offering a tissue.  From a lace and flower covered box.  Oh…and he is also responsible for snotty tissue disposal too.

There are many, many jobs I can suggest (such as Bridal Urination Dress Lifter and Hungover Groomsman Vomit Cleaner) but I sincerely hope that many crap jobs aren’t necessary.  If you have that many people objecting to your marriage…you should elope!

Excitement Abounds!


Dan and I have exactly 60 days until the wedding! My birthday is in exactly 6 days. I lost 6 pounds! (Okay, I made up that last one but please, let me dream.)

After a very long drought where I have been depressed and hurting and trying to figurely out what’s wrong with me physically, I am finally in a mental place where I want to communicate with the world.

Of course I type this sitting on my couch in my pajamas at 6:00 p.m. and no, I’m not making an early night of it. I haven’t been outside of the house and I ignored the doorbell when it rang because, c’mon, I don’t want someone knowing I’m still in my pj’s at this hour. Even the Fed Ex guy.

The point is…I’m back, I have great things coming up in my life and I actually want to tell people about them.

Life is good.

Tis the Season


A friend at work just got engaged and that makes me so happy!  It’s so much fun to watch someone else go through the joy of the newly engaged. 

I’m trying to restrain my happiness for her because I don’t want my upcoming wedding plans to come up every time I ask her about what she’s up to with hers. 

I could never be a Bridezilla, stomping through someone else’s special moments because I want the focus to stay on me.  Rawr!!

So congrats to Shane and Cynthia, may you enjoy a blessed life together.  And a Bridezilla free wedding.

Wedding Plans


I am at a loss about what to write today.  Day 3 and already floundering.  So the ever-present wedding plans came to mind.

Being a second-time bride, there is not a lot that gets me worked up.  I did the traditional wedding last time and both Dan and I don’t want anything big.  And the last thing I want is all the stress and running around I remember from my first go-round.

I picked the perfect man this time and that’s what is important to me.  The rest is basically just details.  But we both have family who want to attend and I suppose a party to celebrate us finding each other is a good thing.

We decided on Vegas to keep it simple.  There are plenty of places willing to do all the work for us (one of my requirements) and Dan can have the quick ceremony he’s after.  All we have to do is show up and say, “I do.”  I hope.

I have the dress, the shoes, the jewelry, the hair (ready-made extensions–yay!) and a couple of variations on a veil so I’m pretty much good to go.  Not to belittle all of these things at all.  I love my dress, it’s sexy and comfortable at the same time.  Shows off my assets (namely my boobs) and hides the parts I feel need to remain hidden (pretty much the rest of my body).

My shoes I adore.  They are sapphire blue peep toe pumps with 4″ heels, crystal embellishments and two red hearts on the soles.  Perfect wedding shoes as far as I’m concerned.  Big girls can always count on shoes to make them feel good.

I bought invitations on clearance at Target before we were ever engaged.  What?  They were beautiful and an excellent deal.  If Dan didn’t propose, I could always return them, right?

So wedding finery, check.  Location, check.  Invitations, check.  MOH, check (giving a shout out to Shannon!).  Everything seems to be right on schedule.

Check back with me in exactly four months from today and here’s hoping I’m still this calm and together about it all!